As I watched an OVA of Tsubasa Chronicles, I remembered how Tsubasa Chronicles was the first anime that I watched at the Club Meetings. I remember how awkward I was with the people, trying to fit in was a bit tough and I was well for the most part shy. At times I still am quiet when with friends, but for the most part I can keep the air filled with absolutely nothing. But back to the first year!

I listened to other people talk, to their stories. I remember vividly seeing a wild guy named Jerry talk about his life and military training. They were fun stories, but I was a bit afraid of him at the same time. All that violent talk was a bit offsetting. Will seemed like a wonderful guy, funny and wise. I believe David was the president back then, he seemed in control but timid at the same time. Others would yell for quiet so that he could continue the business meetings back then.

I was big on hiding about at that time. I'd go on walks around Webb or around the campus, sit down in a hallway in some empty location and just think. I probably was doing it for attention oddly enough, something I still probably do from time to time. Hiding in order to get someone to notice me. I did grow out of it for the most part. Had people I could talk to during the meetings, grew into being a bit more of a gamer although I still suck at most games, and I made some close people to me fond of me.

I was hoping to be with a friend from middle school. She was nice, but didn't think of me as anything more than just a friend. She wouldn't tell me why she couldn't be with me beyond that, possibly it could have been because her mother literally said: "Single? Why don't you go out with her?!" on one occasion. It was funny, in an awkward anime like way.

I thought I was going to be a math teacher back then. Even though I was finding math to be the most loathsome of my classes. Not because of the material, but because of the general air of the classroom (HOT).

And now, I find myself nearly finished with my Bachelor's In Computer Science. Scared about what is going to happen with my life while slowly filing my paper work for a background check for a job as a Strategic Engineer. I wonder if I will make it, if I will have a house of my own and be able to balance work and a personal life. And with the way the world seems to be going politically and economically, I wonder how much of my college life I am truly going to miss. Will this have been the best years of my life? Old Dominion University has been the first place where I have truly felt at home. I do hope that I can keep in touch with my friends after I graduate, and perhaps continue to go on for a Masters at one point.

I am writing this to remember a few dreams that I had last night.


The first was set in a period of time where a nuclear bomb had gone off. In investigation, I discovered that a bomb shelter had been compromised and that all those that had gone there to survive had died. For some odd reason, I went back in time to just before the nuclear bomb went off. Still near the bomb shelter, I was trying to make my own shelter from the initial blast by stopping an elevator inbetween floors and several feet of concrete.

The second dream transitioned from awakening in my bedroom in a house in the middle of a small suburban community. It seemed a bit weird, things were a bit too regulated. I start to remember things, begin meeting up with other friends of mine in this suburban prison without walls. We head over to a community building, just to get a feel of things. However, what we see is a grand show of force. Tanks, troops, a whole army is around us. The group of us (jimmy, corey, a few others) start to sneak off out of the building. However, when it comes for my turn to escape the building, I see a patrol start to march by. Alone, I start to look around the building and see it completely surrounded by enemies. I don't think they notice me, so I stay put. I just hope they will go and leave me alone. I'm frightened until the very end of the dream, as I look up and see my friends flying towards the building in Macross like Mecha. They've come to get me.

The very last dream takes place in a school. I go there to meet an old teacher, of mine I guess? Maybe it is a reunion. Though soon I find that there is a greater purpose to this meeting. I head into a classroom in which we start to play with the concept of psychic powers and hidden species. I discover along the way that I have an ability of telekinesis to a degree, and apparently could be some sort of fairy creature. Leaving the school, I start to use the power to a degree but decide to keep it secret for an unknown fear.

This is the most I can remember of the three dreams I had last night.

Today I thought about the summer I had before. I did not have a job until near the end, and this summer I may not even get to work at all because of my having hoped to work with USJFCOM early on. I also did not hang out with friends quite as much last summer. This summer has been one of the greatest I can think of. I have spent a lot of time with my friends and boyfriend. I've gone to Busch Gardens several times already, and will continue to do so. I have gone out to the movies, played Dungeons and Dragons, and just hung out and played board/video games with friends at their places. I've been to a few parties, birthday, beach, and the otherwise. I have had a bit of an emotional streak lately, cried a little bit about abandonment things, and got a bit fussy with the boyfriend over my obsession with using a clean bathroom. So, I've had very small problems so far besides the dwindling money in my bank accounts. I really am feeling happy about this summer. I can not wait until Fall for school to start again, but I am enjoying my summer.

I do honestly believe that it is all of my friends faults for my happiness this summer. They give me things to do, think about, care about, and look forward to. As my boyfriend told me, I should feel loved. I know he loves me, but I also know that my friends do as well. The time we spend together has been great.

So as I stated in Harbor Fest: "I'm going to say something extremely corny right now. 'The best part of this day is not the fireworks, but hanging out with my friends.'"

Clamp has the best anime for getting down to my heart, xxxHolic. The main character is quite flawed, but that is just one of the many things that make him interesting. His mother and father are long since gone, leaving him to fend for himself. His belief is that he will die as he has lived, alone.

The show makes you think, well, at least it makes me think. That simply sitting down and enjoying a meal with friends can be the most uplifting activity. That when you have people around you, people that you care for and that they care for you as well, you really do change because of it.

I used to be alone, be it by my own actions or that of those around me, and it made me capable of being alone. I wondered if I were to have friends or not, it had been such a long time without them (4th-Graduation for the most part). However, I have made them in college. I have made relationships that I am truly grateful for, even though it may not seem like it all of the time. But the realization that I have at the moment is that I am fearful of losing it. My family life has not given me the idea of a stable relationship, even a mother's love is conditional in my household. I have lived alone before, dealt with it because I really didn't have many friends to begin with. But now, as I feel like I actually have them, I fear what I would go through without them.

Thankfully, I do have them. They are around during school, and on the occasional visit, but I do have them. I have friends that I worry about, like Alan and how this trip to his sister will affect him and his home life. I hope for them, like I do for Jason and his girlfriend coming in. I enjoy them, like I do Corey, Mary, Becky, Jerry, Ton, Dean, and too many people to count. I can grow with them, connect with them, live through them, and pray for them.

When I came to Old Dominion University, that day waiting outside of the Ted for preview, I made a promise to myself to change. To reach out to people and talk with them, to make friends. I literally walked up to about ten or twelve people just outside of the Ted to chat. I went to strangers, made conversation and wished for the best. I hung out at the Webb Center in front of starbucks, talking with people, making connections and small talk. But eventually I came to Anime club, to the retro room, to people that seemed strange, loud, and at times scary. I slowly broke out of my shell with a few of them, fell in love with a few, got fallen in love with as well. And now, I am with someone that I love and long to be with when I am not.

So, when I say that I am afraid of what will happen when friendships fade, it is not only a sense of...I forgot the word...ah separation anxiety but an appreciation of what I do have. I value the ability to just talk with, eat with, spend the days and nights with my friends.

When did I turn out to be such a bad guy? Self centered, blaming my mom for things, and always talking way too much. My mom wants to do more things with me now, but all I think about is back when I was younger she was pushing me away and too tired to do anything with me. I know its self centered, that now I really don't feel like doing things with her so much as trying to do things with friends. But, I did try a lot to do things with her in the past. And now that I have given up on that a long time ago, she wants me to do things with her more. She makes it out like I'm the bad guy, that I'm embarrassed to be seen with her and what not. And I feel like I've grown into a terrible person at times. I feel empty, I feel as if I'm just nothing but a mouth. Talking all the time, having no real self. I feel hollow at times.

I use excuses for things, but the truth probably is that I'm a lazy, talkative, self-centered, and crude person. Oh and I have a headache. Headaches suck.

Title: Alcoholic.

Let it be said
That no man can bed

The fickle beast
that concoction of yeast

Until they are dead.

Title: Friend?

How many people do you call friend?
Those that you call when your emotions must mend.

Do they come to your heed?
Do they come to your need?

Or do they leave you to bleed at the bend?

Sad as it is, I do believe that the best way to protect our economy, is by letting people lose their jobs. As the large companies flounder, the smaller companies will be able to show off their skill and potential. Competition will drive prices down, new growth in competing businesses will need new employees and hiring will rise once more. It would be a survival of the fittest, where companies would live or die based on their own merit, not government bail outs.

The money spent on bail outs would be best spent on projects that would provide companies with incentives for hiring Americans. Having an increased funding of scholastic achievement programs, museums, music, and the arts would garner the nation a smarter and witty workforce. Increasing the amount of citizens under health-care would alleviate the burden on companies that find providing the service too pricey.

Stolen From Mary. Yeah, I haven't updated much at all, and I guess I should.

The first TEN people to comment in this post get to request a drabble doodle of any pairing/character of their choosing from me. In return, they have to post this in their journal, regardless of their ability level.

1.Haruhi + Kyon
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Don't forget to tell me where the pairing/character is from! And crossovers are okay too :3

P.S. I am crap at drawing. You may or may not get stick figures.

At the beginning of the semester I had a bad case of the flu. With it meant my attention in certain classes were lack luster. I started off slow in trying to catch up with my courses, but eventually I got all but my Numerical Methods course caught up with. Now, I have a midterm which I am afraid that I will possibly fail hanging over my head. I have to add a few pieces to my programs, hope that they all come out well and then plug and chug some stuff out. Besides that, I have been a bit worried (normal thing for me) about what will happen once I do finally graduate. Having been a bit worried about jumping head first into the comp science field after graduation, I have been searching for an internship. Now, instead of being worried about what will happen to me once I graduate, I am worried about whether or not I'll even get an internship AND what will happen to me once I graduate.

Will I like the field I am in? Can I really keep a job where I do the same things over and over again? Of course the comp sci field is a bunch of problem and puzzle solving, I have a nagging feeling that I will grow bored of having a job and never get to have a stable life. That was a long sentence. I fear that I will grow up and be in a shitty run down house, scraping for cash at the bottom of the barrel, and living paycheck to paycheck. When all I really want is to have some money in the savings account, a nice home, a dryer for my clothes, maybe cable but I could live without it. I've also grown nervous in my relationship again. I get nervous that I"m doing the wrong things from time to time. I wonder if I will fall out of love with my boyfriend, doubtful but just a worry when one is nervous.

My life has shown me so far that in a relationship there is good times and bad times. From what my family has shown me, when it gets rough you just break up, leave, or cheat. So, I get worried that when my boyfriend and I have our first big fight, it might be a deal breaker. I"m a afraid of it, cause I do love him. I have great times with him, and we have gotten to know one another quite well. I do know that I am different than my mother when it comes to relationships. I can have good friendships, I can tease and be teased back for the most part without taking it seriously all the time, and I don't get over emotional at things.

I just want to end up being with my boyfriend, having my diploma, and having a good job. I hope that we stay together for a long while, I do not know if we will stay together to a point where we'd want to be engaged, and that we stay happy with one another even if we end it at one point.

I have found myself jealous of my boyfriend.

So, I started school on Saturday with my favorite Professor. Although, I do believe he thinks I am a "Weird Dude", as he has mentioned it a few times. Of course, I am a weird dude...but that doesn't mean my teachers should know, nor state this as fact. But, I love his teaching style and enjoy his courses.

Now, the rocky part started on Monday. First off, my colors course will require around 200 dollars in supplies (not including the book). Then I went to a meeting at work to find out that I, and the rest of the student workers, have this week to work and then we are being laid off because of budget cuts. Followed by that I have an appointment with the doctor for my over active bladder. He suspects it to be an infection, and luckily something curable, and tested me for diabetes and so far it seems I do not have it.

I said it was a rocky start because it is not all problematic, however the lay off does hang high over my head. I am not as bad off as some friends, I live at home so I don't have to pay for rent and some meals, and I am not YET in debt. However, I do have car insurance to pay, around 400 dollars in books, 300 dollars in school supplies, and then possibly the dentist if I have left over money....to deal with. Along with the unexpected expenditures that come along in life, I hope to have at least 500 dollars left over and split into two different accounts.

So monetarily I should be alright for the semester if I have a job or not, however it would be more secure with the job. Medically, I am worried just because I am a worry wort with everything.

Hope you lot are doing better with money and health.

[ ] public speaking
[x] staying single forever
[ ] Rejection
[ ] being a parent
[ ] giving birth
[x] being myself in front of others
[ ] open spaces
[x] closed spaces
[x] heights
[ ] dogs
[ ] fish
[ ] spiders
[ ] flowers or other plants
[ ] that Scary guy...
[ ] being touched
[ ] fire
[x] deep water
[ ] snakes
[ ] silk
[ ] the ocean
[x] failure
[ ] success
[ ] thunder/lightning
[ ] frogs/toads
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends dad
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends mom
[ ] rats
[x] jumping from high places
[ ] snow
[ ] rain
[ ] wind
[ ] crossing hanging bridges
[ ] death
[ ] heaven
[x] being robbed
[x] falling
[ ] clowns
[ ] dolls (those really old creepy ones, you know which ones i mean)
[x] large crowds of people
[ ] men
[ ] women
[x] having great responsibilities
[ ] doctors, including dentists
[ ] tornadoes
[ ] hurricanes
[ ] incurable diseases
[ ] sharks
[ ] Friday the 13th
[ ] ghosts
[x] poverty
[ ] Halloween
[ ] school
[ ] trains
[ ] odd numbers
[ ] even numbers
[x] being alone
[ ] becoming blind
[ ] becoming deaf
[ ] growing up
[ ] creepy noises in the night
[ ] bee stings
[ ] not accomplishing my dreams/goals
[ ] needles
[ ] blood
[ ] dinosaurs
[ ] the welcome mat
[ ] high speed
[x] throwing up
[ ] falling in love
[ ] super secret

Final Total: 14

If you wish to post this in your journal, it's been requested that you title it I'm afraid of __ out of 75 common fears.

If you get more than 30, I strongly recommend some counseling.
If you get more than 20, you’re paranoid.
If you get 10-20, you are normal.
{{{If you get 10 or less, you're fearless.}}}
People who don’t have any are liars.

Stability results were moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were medium which suggests you are moderately talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting.

I have gotten a 55 cent raise.
I have all A's in my homework for Operating Systems and a Solid B on the first test.
I have a B+ on my first Photography Assignment
My Fun Digi Professor likes my work.
I have a budget and have been keeping to it for the most part.
I have relationships mainly sorted out.
And I have a new plushie that I have named Frere.


Apparently, even though I don't feel extremely gleeful, I have a pretty good semester so far.

Well, not so late, I had a mini rave in my kitchen. I wanted to listen to Music on the boom box, specifically my new Daft Punk CD, and I did so in the kitchen while washing some dishes. Afterwards, I found my rave fingers, turned off the lights, and just danced for a while with the music and without rhythm at points.

At first I didn't care for the "Alive" CD, I thought I was getting each and every one of those songs mentioned on the back of the case. However, I found the mixes that they did were just as good as stand alone songs. They really mixed the music well, and even made some good lines. "Television Rules The Nation Around the World" is about one of my favorite lines in the CD.

The day at first looked as if it would suck. However, things were done, family left early, my mother acted nice, and I got to Rave in my kitchen. It was a good end to a weekend.

Love to me means that I do not have to ask if someone loves me. Nor do I need to say "I love you" to let those that I love know it. Love is when I feel loved, wanted, respected, teased a bit but in a good way. I often ask if people are friends, because I am questioning of my relationships. But for the most part I know these things. I just fear being alone.

I asked my Aunt recently in an Email if she gave Calvin my number. I've been wondering if he had it or not, and why he hasn't called me. Apparently, she took my words to him. That I wish that he had written to me when I was younger. To have at least tried to get to contact me more. Apparently, he didn't ask for my phone number after having heard that. She'll give it to him if he does ask for it. I don't know if he has my home address or not, but now I wonder if I will ever receive a letter from him. At times I feel like I'm a piece in a puzzle that if lost, wouldn't ruin the image quite as much as others. That I could be thrown into a new puzzle somewhere and they wouldn't care either way either. Maybe I should be a spy? I can talk with people, get to know them, but at the same time feel quite alone and secretive.

I would change how much the Christian Right have influence over things. I really can not stand the fact that a Politician wanting any hope of becoming president must be a Christian. I also hate how they get into everyone else's business. Why can they not leave people alone? Abortion has nothing to do with them. Homosexuality will by no means destroy Marriage, hell America has already destroyed Marriage. Can't break what is already broken right? Well, I believe I would change how strong the power hold of the Christian Right would be on this nation. We need to know that this is not a "For Christians, By Christians" Nation. There are other people out there. And we need to have a common idea of what is right and wrong, but it does not require use of a religion.

Does it hurt you if someone steals from you?
Majority: Yes

Does it hurt you if someone kills your friend?
Majority: Yes

Its not based solely on religion. You just know that people will be hurt if you do something, because you don't want it done to you. That is how laws can be made, and how they were made in the past.

Well I am enjoying myself a lot more. Knowing that I'm going to be seeing friends is making me quite happy. The phone calls I've had with a friend at otakon has helped a lot as well. It gave me something to look forward to each night. The only bad thing I have to say is that I didn't get much sleep last night and I got sick from eating too much dip (milk). I'm quite happy that school is starting soon, so is work, and so is my ability to be with friends again. I hope that I learn to talk a little bit less still, even though it is my nature to chat like no tomorrow.

I can not wait till Lunao gets into his new apartment XD Anime, Movies, Games, fun ^_^

Well, like I've said before I really want it to be the start of the next semester already. However, in this time I'm realizing how much I like having someone to look forward to seeing. I mean right now I'm wondering how my friends are doing at Otakon, and really looking forward to the phone call I get from one of them. I really do look forward to hearing his voice, it makes me a good deal happier when I hear it. I miss him a good deal and hope he's having a lot of fun there. >.> Okay off track. Where was I? (*cough* like I wasn't just writing to talk about how much I miss him XD *cough*) I'm enjoying the fact that I am already getting out of the house a bit more. Going to visit Jason is making me feel as if I actually have a friend nearby. Someone I can hang out with, goof off with, do the normal things in life.

My mother is making me feel more and more suicidal as the days go on. Quite fun knowing that you're being an ass to her a bit, but only in reaction of how she has treated you. And if ever you bring it up to her she'll just make you feel more and more to blame and that she is the victim not you. How can someone tell you of how bad their past husbands treated them, and then go around and do the things to you when they're your mother? I feel like its worse what she does because she is a mother and not a wife to me. Maybe I shouldn't even write about that.

I'm just looking forward to seeing my friend safe and sound from Otakon. I hope he gets a bunch of photos and got some goodies for all of his hard labor during the summer. He was nice to offer to buy me things, but I really just want him to have fun. I care more about being with friends than possessions. Its no joke really, I do enjoy being around people. And at least my friends seem to care for me, so that really makes them people I want to be with.

Well this one is actually a pretty good writer's block question. I have wondered if this country will have a collapse of sorts, and if I should think about where I'd try to go for a new life. I like the idea of France, except for the fact that my French is somewhat less than passing, and that they do have an unemployment problem. Ireland would be interesting, but it as well has its problems. I do not know where I would like to go, but most likely it would be in Europe since they have the closest culture to ours that I know of.

Well this is a simple writer's block today it seems.

For starters I woke up around eight in the morning and went to the Chesapeake Bay with my mother and dog. I swam for a bit in the water so that accounted for my exercise of the day. It felt like my arm was a bit strained after I swam, but it recovered quite quickly. Afterwards, I decided I would ask Jason if he would mind company. So, I hung out at Jason's house for a while and Alan showed up eventually. A trip to Arbys, Alan's arrival, playing Halo 3, and then some Freakazoid episodes and the day was spent. I didn't really do any chores or my sit-ups. I did enjoy my day.

I am looking forward to the trip to Busch Gardens this Sunday with friends. I hope that I do not get a sunburn, but the chances are high for that to occur.